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October 7, 2013

It has been three days since we last talked. I knew something was no longer right in our relationship. The projection of your feelings has been going down for a year now.

Last year was actually the most terrible heart break you've given me when I caught you flinging with others and you admitted that you just had the urged to do so. I felt insulted to the core and felt worthless as a person. We've been together but I've been clueless of you falling out of love.

I tried to open my hands and let you go...but I still chose to start anew.

I thought time will heal us both and things will magically be smooth as silk as it has used to. But it has been the other way around

Things went worse as time passed. Then again, we faced the same situation. You admitted all over that you were exhausted of this relationship...and apparently I did ignore the problem until we felt a little better even if I greatly noticed that you no longer wanted to be in this. Maybe because I loved you that much.

The last fight we had might be the last straw. I was not sure if you were just mentally pressured about your schooling or maybe my complicated problems made you turn away ...but I felt it was much because you were ashamed of me being unemployed...

I thought you'd be the person who can understand me the most. You knew my struggles. I thought you'd still have faith after letting you see the ugly part of me. Maybe that night I was totally devastated that I was not able to explain my side...I don't know if it will make sense telling you or I just don't want you to feel pity so I kept mum... but here's my side.

You know, I really do have plans. I wont let my self stuck in here. I also wanted to be successful in the field that I wanted to strive. I kept the burning desire all these years. It is just that I entered on a different program. It is on the other field that I wanted to be, you knew that. Since I had a different degree, it has been a climb from hell for me.

I can no longer count how many applications I threw hoping to hit on something. I've been to countless exams and interviews too! No matter how I've striven on interviews, I got rejected because other candidates held the degree they needed. Time even came up to me to take another degree just to be well qualified in the market like the others.

So, last July I bumped on an opportunity. I took the exam and had the interview on the same day as well. If you can remember, after I've finished doing those stuff, we met and ate together at KFC (I was wearing a vintage sleeveless with blue collar paired with a brown bolero. You took a photo fantasizing me to be a Korean actress look-a-like. Remember that?. I can still recall you wanted to watch a movie that time but I refused because I was drained.)

Let me go back to my story... Last September, even though I was informed that I topped the qualifying exam, I did not win the job. I'm not sure if it was because the other applicants had the more qualified degree.

I had chicken pox when I received a news. Hope did not give up on me yet. I was told I've been reserved for the next opening. As of the moment, the hiring was still on hold.

After all these years, I realized that I can't give up on my self. I saw everyone loosing hope on me...and it was really heartbreaking.

I never told you because I can feel that you were already bombarded with your personal problems as well and most of all, I never wanted you to feel disappointed all over again. I knew you as someone who have high expectations. All I wanted was for you not to loose faith on me. But now, there's nothing I can really do. You did not wait a little longer. I kept on asking you to just hang on for a while. You've given up already. Maybe you already did a year ago.

Not having you at this darkest time of my life is like starting from scratch. I guess I have to go on alone now.