First week

October 11

I woke up this morning seeing the anime drawing you gave me hanging on my wall. I got up and fell back on bed lying half of my body and extended my hands up and felt the fur of the stuff toy you bought. Went for an iced tea and reflexively grabbed the green coke bottle. Seemed like everything I do reminds of you.

It took me a week to sink everything in. I'm not sure if I really completely did...But I wanted to stay away and just let things flow as the universe wanted it to be. I felt so exhausted thinking about everything now and cried for the first time since we last talked. I've been trying to vent, but there was literally no tears coming out.. and this made my burden even heavier each day. Well, inhaling deeply helped a lot lessen the pain.

Everyday, all I'm praying for is strength to overcome whatever lies ahead. Come what may... I just feel so numb now.

You were no longer the man that man I've met. Did I influenced you to be who you are now? You are insensitive, inconsiderate and very rude. I've noticed also that you are trying to conceal your roots. Did that boost your confidence?

What if fate will lead me to becoming DH abroad and will post everything about my job on your wall? Will you disown me and delete those stuff also? I didn't realize you could be that heartless.

I don't want to judge, but i can't help my self to conclude that you can do that to me. Actually, you already did. You turned away because you're ashamed of having an unemployed girlfriend. I'm sorry I just can't be so perfect.

It's still difficult for me to accept that things turned this way after the years that we have shared together...I'm half angry and half doubting myself, but I'm hopeful it will go on better as days passes. I hope you will realize what you have to, before you can have a taste of your own medicine...and also, value those people who are working to provide you something.

Untitled

October 7, 2013

It has been three days since we last talked. I knew something was no longer right in our relationship. The projection of your feelings has been going down for a year now.

Last year was actually the most terrible heart break you've given me when I caught you flinging with others and you admitted that you just had the urged to do so. I felt insulted to the core and felt worthless as a person. We've been together but I've been clueless of you falling out of love.

I tried to open my hands and let you go...but I still chose to start anew.

I thought time will heal us both and things will magically be smooth as silk as it has used to. But it has been the other way around

Things went worse as time passed. Then again, we faced the same situation. You admitted all over that you were exhausted of this relationship...and apparently I did ignore the problem until we felt a little better even if I greatly noticed that you no longer wanted to be in this. Maybe because I loved you that much.

The last fight we had might be the last straw. I was not sure if you were just mentally pressured about your schooling or maybe my complicated problems made you turn away ...but I felt it was much because you were ashamed of me being unemployed...

I thought you'd be the person who can understand me the most. You knew my struggles. I thought you'd still have faith after letting you see the ugly part of me. Maybe that night I was totally devastated that I was not able to explain my side...I don't know if it will make sense telling you or I just don't want you to feel pity so I kept mum... but here's my side.

You know, I really do have plans. I wont let my self stuck in here. I also wanted to be successful in the field that I wanted to strive. I kept the burning desire all these years. It is just that I entered on a different program. It is on the other field that I wanted to be, you knew that. Since I had a different degree, it has been a climb from hell for me.

I can no longer count how many applications I threw hoping to hit on something. I've been to countless exams and interviews too! No matter how I've striven on interviews, I got rejected because other candidates held the degree they needed. Time even came up to me to take another degree just to be well qualified in the market like the others.

So, last July I bumped on an opportunity. I took the exam and had the interview on the same day as well. If you can remember, after I've finished doing those stuff, we met and ate together at KFC (I was wearing a vintage sleeveless with blue collar paired with a brown bolero. You took a photo fantasizing me to be a Korean actress look-a-like. Remember that?. I can still recall you wanted to watch a movie that time but I refused because I was drained.)

Let me go back to my story... Last September, even though I was informed that I topped the qualifying exam, I did not win the job. I'm not sure if it was because the other applicants had the more qualified degree.

I had chicken pox when I received a news. Hope did not give up on me yet. I was told I've been reserved for the next opening. As of the moment, the hiring was still on hold.

After all these years, I realized that I can't give up on my self. I saw everyone loosing hope on me...and it was really heartbreaking.

I never told you because I can feel that you were already bombarded with your personal problems as well and most of all, I never wanted you to feel disappointed all over again. I knew you as someone who have high expectations. All I wanted was for you not to loose faith on me. But now, there's nothing I can really do. You did not wait a little longer. I kept on asking you to just hang on for a while. You've given up already. Maybe you already did a year ago.

Not having you at this darkest time of my life is like starting from scratch. I guess I have to go on alone now.